Happy Birthday to you, I did it!

A Child's First Birthday is About the Parents

Deep down we all know it, a child's first birthday is about the parents not screwing up more than it is about the kid, even more so on that first child.

Most of the time these parties last for three to four hours and there is a pretty good chance that the child will need to nap for a good portion of it, not to mention there is little to no chance anybody will be able to spend what they call "adequate" time with the child. So let's give up this pretense and start enjoying this part for what it is... a celebration of parents managing to not fail, and possibly succeed in the first year. I'll drink to that!


Remember, these first-time parents were the people that, three years ago, you felt you had to check in on while they house sat for you and cared for a $50 bonsai tree that you have had for four years. Now they have somehow managed to keep a helpless human alive despite their tendency to fail to care for most personal belongings.

And why shouldn't we celebrate this unique accomplishment. After all the stress, aggravation of the last year and admitting that what they once knew as their lives, and the what they used to define as fun, is in jeopardy. I say remind them they are doing well. Consider the fact that you have to go through a few days of training to ring groceries and you would never consider hiring a dog walker that was not certified by the neurotic National Expedition of Unified  Referees Organized Toward Independent Canines, but we will let anybody become a parent without training. I want to be clear, I do not advocate mandatory training because that would lead to certification before allowing conception. What I am saying is this is one of the most intense on-the-job training programs with one heck of a risk factor. I'll drink to that!

As a parent it is importance here is that you do not acknowledge that you are amazed that you accomplished it and neither will your party goers, well, the tackful ones anyway. Let's drink to us!

If you are a first time parent and getting ready for this fun insanity while calculating the number of hours you have slept in the past few months; you will likely realize you can do this on just your fingers, the best thing you can do right now is get ready to accept compliments. How would you do this graciously you may ask? Don't diminish the compliment but don't be overly expressive to the point of appearing fake.

Personally, I try to play physical compliments off humorously:


These are actually from my kid's first birthday...

"You look very domesticated." Now I know this was intended as a compliment and had it been directed at a home maker, she may have taken mild offense to it but it was directed at me, a guy, and I was going to slug the man who said it. This was about the most emasculating things somebody could say to me at that point and called attention to the fact I had to take care of the kid & house because my ex chose not to.


I simply responded with, "I am glad you see me as an involved & caring parent, an involved part of my son's life. I believe a father should take an active role in developing their child."

Being the father, I did not have to deal with the weight comments but I am sure my son's mom had a few along the lines of:

"It looks like you have lost almost all of the pregnancy weight." Again, intended as a compliment but to somebody who just saw their body expand to extents they never thought possible and with limited sleep this is not a compliment. I over-heard it and retorted with the following, saving my friend the jail time she would have endured for pulverizing them. "These first few years are so crucial to the baby's development I don't focus on my cardio routine like I used so thank you." It got a laugh and then I pulled my friend into a new conversation elsewhere.

"Thank you so much" is the easiest way to get out of most compliments without issue. Other phrases I use include "We really appreciate you saying so". Everybody has an opinion, they are mostly wrong, they all sound wrong when you have only slept a bit.


To that new set of parents who are wondering if it is inappropriate to order the keg for their kid's first birthday, go for it! This is a celebration of your learning to grow up and blend your old personality into a new one... and finally, I drink to you!

Get out of the way, daddy wants to see the floats!

Are parades really for children?

Years ago I went to the parade for my small suburban town with a group of adults and kids. My son was just about to turn two so I figure he would enjoy the sounds and activity. Firetrucks, cheerleaders, candy and some well decorated floats.

I found myself filled with a sense of pride as the armed forces cars drive past; standing up taller, puffing out my chest.

I found myself evaluating the cheerleading squads and identifying the loose ones, one ones that should not be in skirts and really, how much energy do you have as you cheer for the cross-town game.

Six minutes past the leading police and fire department vehicles my two year old son is already board but was moderately entertained by the family next to us while I felt compelled to stay and keep watching. So I started to question, why do we really go to parades and why are we, as adults, so interested in them? 


Break down the different types of participants that were in there.

Social activity clubs from school (e.g. Football, soccer, rugby, band, cheerleading)

We are watching these in remembrance of our youth and in the hopes of what I child will be. One of the guys we were with leaned over to remind me about his great 'almost pro' freshman football experience, I revisited some amazing moments in gymnastics in grade school. This is the reflections of what we could do and remembering when people would be excited about what we do day to day, now we just work. With that I look down at my son and explain to him the significance of him playing baseball in the future and what it will mean to our time together when he is a boy schout; I am sure he was intently listening as he drooled in his stroller, fast asleep.

The Attention Whores (e.g. Homecoming king & queen, politically elected, candidates and clowns)

No, I don't see much difference in the people in that list, do you? These are the people who won't stand on the side lines and enjoy things, they need to have attention focused on them to enjoy the day. These are the people that will use the phrase "don't rain on my parade" because to them, that is it, MY parade, not OUR parade. They need to be dressed up with music, energy and entertainment because on their own, we wouldn't care. Their saving grace is they are normally tossing candy into the crowd.

The Pride Groups (e.g. Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, religious groups, Millitary Forces, Fire and police)

They are the organizations that make us happy to be part of something greater, and if it isn't for us there is normally just a hushed underhanded comment. Otherwise you look at these groups with admiration and remind yourself you should get involved in helping the world more. Last is...

The Chance to Change Your Life (e.g. shriners, red hat society, church groups)

These are the 'now do something ADULT' options and you really should embrace them. These are the people that, at the core of their mission, are trying to better society in their view of beter. Isn't this the core of what we are as parents, people who now have a responsibility to better the world we are handing off? At least take a picture as a note to yourself to look at their website or calendar, that you really want to be a better person and make the place you live a better place.


Parade Announcers Take Note these are the reasons we go to parades, these are our thoughts as the participants pass. Put them in this order and help make your community a better community.


Parents get your kids from the first group as they finish the parade, distract them as you reverse up the parade route and they won't notice the attention whores and finally find a seat to show them the last two sets of participants. Then explain to them why it matters so much that they are involved, why you want to be involved and why we are going to come back next year to see this again.


See you after that last police car passes and we all flood the streets...